A Letter for Mary
by house3er4ev
Summary: S.4 SPOILERS! AU! I wrote this right after Edith learned of her pregnancy. Meant to publish before now, but new ideas kept popping into my head about what Edith should do about her situation. This is the tale of Edith's confession and subsequent departure contained within a letter.


**Edith's Letter to Mary**

Dear Mary,

When I sat down to write this letter, I never meant to address it to you. However, it somehow seems appropriate.

When I look at Sybbie and George, I can't help but be reminded of Sybil and Matthew, respectively. I keep thinking that, had Sybil not passed away, she would have been able to fix the broken relationship between you and I. Sybil was the glue that held the two of us together. When she died, Matthew took over. His death was the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. I don't know if you have noticed, but we have barely said a few sentences, let alone a few words since Matthew's accident, not that you have said much to anyone.

Do you remember, Mary, how I treated you during that whole business with Mr. Pamuk? Well, I am sorry. Perhaps those words are too little, too late, but I truly am sorry. Instead of supporting you, I became your biggest enemy. No one would have found out if it weren't for me. I was an abysmal sister. I was so jealous and angry at the time. I know you believe that I was petty and selfish and that I simply pity myself, even now. But Mary, I don't think you were ever able to see my point of you. You were the first child, the surprise, the daughter that wasn't expected but still caused excitement. I was the second child, the disappointment. I think by the time Sybil was born, Mama and Papa accepted that they weren't having a son, but they still resented me. Even if you do understand how I feel, I know it doesn't excuse my behavior. I was so naive back then and so ready to believe the worst of you.

I have come to realize that we are not so different, you and I. I know now that love comes in all forms and is not as simple as I thought. I learned that first with Sir Anthony Strallan. Now that I look back, I realize that everyone was right; we were not a good match. Thank god he didn't marry me, although I regret that he did not stand up to me in a less public setting. I pushed him so hard for that marriage and I wanted it so badly, but for all of the wrong reasons. I know Anthony loved me in his own way, but it would never have been enough.

I have also learned that love is different for everyone. I know you all believe that Michael will propose. I have kept the truth from you all for a very long time and now it I shall come clean. You see, Michael was never in a position to marry me for he was already married. His wife lives in a home for people with mental illnesses. When Michael first met you all at Duneagle, he confessed to Matthew about his situation. I presume Matthew never told you considering you never tried to stop me from seeing Michael. Michael intended to break things off, but I refused to let him. I had grown tired with society's expectations of me. I needed to come out of my shell and Michael provided me with the perfect opportunity. Perhaps it was foolish, but I don't regret it. I truly love Michael and I believe that he truly loves me. That is the reason he is in Germany right now. In England, you are not allowed to divorce mentally unstable spouses, but the rules are different in Germany. He is living there in an attempt to obtain a divorce.

Now you must be wondering why I am suddenly confessing all of my sins to you in a letter. Well, I have learned that I am with child. I know that by now you have most likely learned that I never made it to Aunt Rosamund's. I have decided that the best way for the family to avoid scandal is if I am to leave. The family can pretend that I have decided to go stay with Mama's family in America. Truthfully, I will be looking for Michael. It seems as if he has vanished into thin air. I simply must find him, especially now. I refuse to believe that he left me. Something must have happened to him.

I don't know when I will be returning, or if I ever will return. After everyone learn's the truth of my departure, I very much doubt neither you nor they will want me to return.

I sincerely hope that you find happiness again, even if you don't believe me.

Forever yours,

Edith Crawley


End file.
